Many people believe that sex should be spontaneous, and scheduling it takes away passion and excitement. You may be thinking, “Are we really to the point that THIS is what our sex life looks like… an appointment on a calendar?”
However, scheduling sex doesn’t have to feel like a chore to check off your to-do list. Contrary to popular misconception, scheduling intimacy doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. There’s a stigma that scheduling sex automatically means your relationship is doomed, or that your sex life is boring. That couldn’t be further from reality, most of the time. Taking the effort to schedule sex and better your sex life as a whole shows your partner that you’re committed to bettering your relationship. Think of the way people schedule exercise and plan a healthy diet to prioritize good health. The same idea could be applied to our relationships as well. Besides, studies have shown that couples who regularly talk about the sex they’re having with each other often feel more closely connected and have a greater level of sexual satisfaction than those who don’t.
So, who might benefit the most from scheduling sex?
Sex dates aren’t for everyone, but regularly scheduling sex (or any intimate activity) on your calendar may be especially beneficial for certain people. For example, some couples might struggle to find time for intimacy due to the ongoing commands of everyday life (work schedules, household chores, general stress, etc.), so setting aside specific time for an erotic night together might be the only feasible way to keep the spark alive. Other couples may struggle with having mismatched libidos but still want to make sex a priority by making sure there’s a designated time to be intimate together, even if that means they have to keep an open mind about what kind of sex they’re having. Others may experience a wide range of conditions, from low hormone levels and sexual dysfunction to vaginismus, which requires preparation to lessen the pain during intercourse.
Scheduling sex may be especially beneficial for those who want to do so as a tool to hold each other accountable in your relationship. We’ve all heard enough horror stories about people in long-term relationships who get stuck in dead bedroom situations. Life can be chaotic, which can make even the most passionate and dedicated people get complacent in their relationship. Unfortunately, it’s easier than we think to let sex fall by the wayside. Though sex isn’t everything in a relationship, it’s one of the most pivotal parts of a relationship for many and our decision to plan it out guarantees that if we have issues, they probably won’t be due to a lack of sex.
But, regardless of who could benefit the most from scheduled sex or not, rest assured that many couples likely plan their naughty time without being actively aware that that’s what they’re doing. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you already schedule sex by default because of the planning it takes to make arrangements to see each other. If you’re setting up “Netflix and chill” time with someone you plan on hooking up with, you’re scheduling sex. If you’re planning a more formal date with the intention of having sex afterwards, you’ve just scheduled sex. And let’s not forget one of the most common scenarios. If you have kids, and your sexy time with your partner is automatically confined to a time when your children finally go to sleep, then your sex is scheduled.
Now that we’ve discussed the benefits of scheduling sex and how common it really is, let’s get to the good part. If you’re wondering how to schedule your next shag and make it fun, here are some ideas:
Scheduling sex is about carving out time that works for both of you
If you’re planning a specific time for sex, keep both your schedules in mind. You probably won’t want to set aside time together when a lot is happening. Instead, it’s best to carve out time when you’ll both feel mentally and emotionally ready.
Think of the schedule as a flexible baseline rather than an exact date and time
Scheduling intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean you have to start stripping down on Saturday morning at 10 o’clock on the dot. You may not be able to come up with a specific time frame, but you can agree to prioritize physical intimacy at least once weekly. This allows your needs to be met without a bunch of pressure being placed, plus some room for spur-of-the-moment horniness.
Send foreplay texts and notes in advance
There’s nothing like building up the anticipation with a written reminder of all of the naughty things you plan on doing to each other later on in the day. Send your partner your best nudes when they’re at work with a flirty message or try leaving post-it notes in various places that you know they’ll look. The ticking clock becomes a seductive countdown, heightening your senses and stoking the fires of anticipation until the appointed hour arrives.
Switch off your devices completely
Try and go one night a week without technology. No emails. No social media. No TV. It’ll limit the amount of distractions you have around the household and allow you both to genuinely connect.
Send a Google Calendar invite
It might sound out of the ordinary to send a Google Calendar invite (Subject line: Invitation: Sexy time @ My place @ Tues April 30, 2024, 2 – 3 pm) to your significant other, but it might genuinely put a smile on their face because of how unique and even humorous it is. Also, let’s face it. Between extra-long workdays, parenting duties for those who have kids, personal hobbies, and more, our lives are busy, so sometimes we might need a more practical reminder.
Look at scheduling sex as a way to set a mood
Use non-verbal cues to set the mood for upcoming sex. You could kiss and lick your partner’s fingers to represent oral stimulation or you two could establish a specific code to bring in more excitement, especially if no one other than you two knows what the code means. Also, try watching something that gets your body tingling. Whether it’s a steamy scene from Game of Thrones or one of the Fifty Shades of Grey movies, turn on what turns you on, and you might just find that mojo after all.
Be flexible with what intimacy looks like
Remember that physical intimacy isn’t just about penetrative sex. You can set aside to explore each other’s bodies and see where that leads. Open a bottle of wine, light some candles, and give each other a full-body massage or try a new sexual act that you’ve never done before that doesn’t involve the penis or vagina. Regardless, be flexible enough to engage in activities that make the two of you feel closely connected.
Sometimes, part of being flexible with your definition of intimacy also means completely re-framing your entire outlook on the way you experience and express your sexuality. You might have an idea that sexual desire practically grows on trees and that everything comes together naturally with little to no effort. You show up somewhere, see someone you like, and then BOOM. The next thing you know you’re shagging. Despite how that typically plays out in movies, sexual desire doesn’t always happen that way. So, take the pressure off yourself and any shame that may be associated with scheduling sex. Besides, even when planning your next shag ahead of time, you still might not hit your target number of romps. You might even plan a sexy night and end up binge-watching a show on the couch until you two fall asleep, and that’s fine. As long as you keep the communication open, you’ll likely discover that intimacy has many definitions and has a habit of going through ebbs and flows. Getting aroused on command may happen sometimes, but it shouldn’t be expected.
Learning each other’s desires and boundaries is one of the biggest parts of what makes a relationship exciting and keeps you running back for more. And once you know each other well, you can build on that knowledge. Surprise your partner by initiating a sexual fantasy they’ve always been interested in doing. Book a night—or weekend—in a luxury hotel as a special romantic getaway after a stressful week. Bring home a new book or some porn, and break your position rut for something different.
Ultimately, pushing sex to the top of your relationship priority list is great, no matter how that might look for you. As long as you remember that there’s more to sex than penetration and focus on the journey of sexual exploration rather than the final destination, then you’ll likely find yourself becoming more and more satisfied with the level of intimacy you’re giving and receiving.