What do Julia Fox, Lenny Kravitz, and Andrew Garfield have in common? They’re celebrities who have talked openly about being celibate. However, it’s not just a celebrity trend; celibacy has caught on with the general public. According to Dr.Justin Lehmiller and a study by the University of Glasglow, 1 in 6 women and 1 in 10 men have decided to embrace it at some point.
Younger adults between 18-24 and older adults over the age of 55 are more likely to do this, as confirmed a 2024 survey by the Kinsey Institute and dating app, Feeld. With trends like “boy sober” becoming more popular and more emphasis on personal growth like #selfcare and #selflove, is choosing to completely refrain from all forms of sex and dating a good idea?
What does sexual abstinence and celibacy mean?
Is abstinence just abstaining from sex and dating, or from masturbation too? Well, it depends.
It can be deciding to stop all dating and sex. While the trend “boy sober” (aimed at heterosexual women) means no dating, hooking up, or having sex with men for a year, other people use different time periods, which can range from a few months, years, or just to if they meet the right person. On social media, you’ll find hundreds of posts about people dating or even marrying themselves, choosing to focus on finding their own happiness instead of losing themselves in yet another doomed relationship.
Choosing to abstain sexually can also mean not masturbating too. It’s common for athletes to abstain from masturbating or partner sex before a match or competition. It’s thought that when a man or somebody with a penis doesn’t ejaculate for a period of time, it increases their natural testosterone levels and gives them more energy. However, the research on this is actually fairly inconclusive.
Within some spiritual practices like tantra, abstinence means only a man refraining only from ejaculating, not from partner sex or masturbation. This is known as semen retention, where men are taught various different somatic and energy practices to stop ejaculating but still enjoy sexual pleasure.
Choosing to be abstinent could also mean choosing to take a break from watching porn and masturbating if you feel that you’ve gotten into unhealthy and unsupportive habits.
When could choosing to abstain sexually be a good thing?
While voluntary celibacy or sexual abstinence might seem like a modern trend, it really isn’t. You’ve probably done it at some point in your life, too—usually after a really bad break-up or divorce. Instead of calling it “celibacy” or “abstinence”, you might have called it, “taking a break from dating”, taking time alone for myself”, or what Love Coach Sarah O’Connor describes as a man ban (if you’re dating men, or if you’re queer you could call it a woman ban or sex ban.)
If you’ve had a messy divorce, a bad break-up, or even have been widowed, taking some time out can be a way to heal your broken heart. After all, if Elizabeth Gilbert can decide to take 9 months alone to eat pizza in Italy and meditate in an Indian Ashram to heal after a divorce, you’ve probably wanted to do your own version of Eat Pray Love too.
Thanks to social media, there is much more discussion and education about red flags in dating behaviour and exploring our sex and relationship values. It’s more popular to go to therapy or do some sort of personal development—especially among Gen Z and Millennials—which means many people are deciding to take a break instead of continuing in bad relationship cycles.
Let’s also not forget that dating app fatigue is real, with more and more people choosing to quit dating altogether because of so much toxic behaviour causing burnout. In the post #MeToo era, with reproductive rights being stripped back, the orgasm gap, online harassment, to just lack of care and concern about our wellbeing, many women are deciding that it’s just no longer worth it. Influencer Rukiat suggested that instead of having hookups, straight women should have a regular casual partner because you’re more able to get your needs met.
Women and people with vulvas are realising that the typical heterosexual sex script of kissing, touching boobs, and a quick clit rub followed by 10 minutes of pounding just isn’t enough anymore. We know we not only don’t have to put up with unsatisfactory sex anymore, but we shouldn’t have to either. It’s not just about the straights either. As more people are identifying as queer and questioning their sexual identity, choosing a period of abstinence can be a way to break the cycle of falling into bed with the wrong people.
Personally, I have a lot of friends and colleagues who have talked openly about embracing celibacy for a period of time. Usually, they reported it was to break codependent patterns, ending up in a cycle of bad relationships or sexual behaviours that were harming their well-being. Usually, they were also doing some form of personal development, coaching, or therapy. Being celibate is part of their overall process to better take care of themselves and make healthier sex and dating choices. As having therapy and being on a #healingjourney becomes more socially acceptable, it makes sense that more people are rethinking their sex and dating life.
However, most people who practise abstinence, they will still be masturbating and practising solo sex, which is why I’ll explore some of the cons of abstinence next.
When is celibacy not a good idea
The shadow side of sexual abstinence is messaging that sex is dangerous. There’s a lot of worrying sex-negative information out there, much of it coming from either religious spaces, spiritual spaces, or the wellness world. When complete sexual abstinence (either solo, partnered, or both) is implied to give a person better health or spiritual gifts, this is very dangerous territory.
Sexual abstinence is a personal topic for me as I came from Evangelical Christianity and a set of teachings called purity culture. Purity culture is another fear-mongering belief system that puts a heavy emphasis on complete sexual abstinence until (heterosexual) marriage, along with misinformation or even outright lies about sexuality. For example, having sex with somebody automatically creates a soul tie with them, comparing people who have had sex to chewed-up gum and that masturbation is dangerous and addictive.
However, purity culture doesn’t just exist within Christianity, as every major religion teaches its own version of it. It’s also prevalent in the new age and spiritual communities, where abstinence is a wellness practice for health and longevity. TikTok and Instagram are full of self-proclaimed dating and relationship experts, influencers, or even clinics promoting celibacy to promote health or for spiritual benefits. For example, telling people that men ejaculating makes them lose their life force, and when you have sex with somebody, you keep some of their energy inside of you, or even that celibacy will increase your lifespan.
The #NoFap movement gives fear-mongering and false information about the supposed dangers of masturbation, but encourages competition around who can abstain for the longest. It can lead to many emotional and sexual problems further down the line. Thanks to social media, a new wave of sex negativity can reach big audiences quickly, which is often Gen Z.
While we must take care of our sexual and emotional health by getting regularly tested for STIs, using barrier methods, and not falling in love with yet another fuckboy/girl, remember that sex is not inherently dangerous. The benefits of sex—both partnered and masturbation—are well documented for our physical, mental, and relationship health.
Is sexual abstinence right for you?
It can feel safer to just not risk getting hurt and not date or have sex at all, but is this actually helping you long term?What could start as a much-needed break to heal your broken heart could turn into full-on avoidance of any kind of intimacy.
The risk of deciding to be celibate is that you could completely cut off your sexual self. This could make it harder if you do choose to get into another relationship. As more of us are chronically online and AI intrudes on every aspect of our lives, are we losing the ability to be connected to each other in real-time and do human relationships?
Whether sexual abstinence is a good thing or not completely depends on how it’s done. My motto that I teach clients is to trust yourself on this. Allow yourself to experiment and allow yourself to make so-called, mistakes. If you’re considering a period of sexual abstinence too, think about your reasons for it and what messages have influenced you.
Just because your Instagram algorithm is showing you people praising celibacy, it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you too.