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Sexual attraction explained

Vidar Nordli-Mathisen

At some point in our lives, most of us experience an intense feeling of sexual attraction towards another. We may not understand what it is that actually draws us to that person; all we know is that we want them sexually!

Sexual attraction is the surge of desire an individual feels based on several factors. Most people tend to associate sexual attraction with being attracted towards another based on how they look, but it actually runs much deeper than that. Biological and psychological aspects play a part, as do personal and cultural components. Elements such as how someone smells, how they sound and even their overall personality can trigger a response which amounts to sexual attraction. Anything that one could regard as sexually appealing can be the basis of sexual attraction. It is also worth noting that a lot of what happens in our subconscious mind plays a huge role in the reality of attraction. We often have no control over our reactions, responses and subconscious decision-making. Because of this, occasionally, we may find ourselves attracted to someone who doesn’t fit our ‘usual type’. In addition, research has shown attraction can develop towards a person that we know is already attracted to us simply because they find us attractive. This phenomenon, known as Reciprocal Liking, pretty much throws the flirty practice of playing-hard-to-get, down the drain.

So, what is sexual attraction?

It’s many things. The spark if you like. It’s what urges someone to want to pursue an intimate relationship with another. It is also a good compatibility gauge. Sexual attraction or the lack of, instantly helps a person identify who they have chemistry with. This is particularly useful when it comes to having a long-term relationship. Great chemistry is an important foundation for that.

Sexual attraction is innate in human beings. It is a natural instinct born out of the need to reproduce. Feeling sexually attracted to someone is the first step towards potentially engaging in sexual activity, also known as reproductive behaviour.

As an additional bonus, feeling sexually attracted to a person or knowing your partner is sexually attracted to you has some psychological health benefits too. These include an improved mood and a reduction in stress.

Signs of sexual attraction

We know when we feel sexually attracted to someone, or at least we think we do!

That strong physical or emotional pull towards another is instantly recognisable. But how do we know if someone is sexually attracted to us?

For the most part, it’s our gut instinct that informs us. The random butterflies, or the constant thoughts of that person, are usually an effective indicator. Indeed, there may well be a few grey areas and iffy moments, but on the whole, we’re pretty good at recognising if someone is interested in being more than just friends. However, sometimes, just guessing doesn’t always help us arrive at the right conclusion. So, before diving in, here are a few signs that someone may be sexually attracted to you.

They flirt with you

Flirting is arguably the most obvious sign attraction is involved. Whilst there are occasions where flirty behaviour is sometimes overlooked or taken as ‘just being friendly’, a steady stream of jokes, endless banter, and playful behaviour is one way of getting closer to a person. It lets the ‘flirter’ begin to understand what the other person likes, doesn’t like and most importantly, what their boundaries are.

They are attentive and focused on you

When someone finds another sexually attractive, they show their genuine interest by giving their undivided attention. This often looks like lots of personal questions and checking in on your thoughts and feelings. They want to make it clear that they are totally focused and engaged when it comes to you.

Compliments come easy

This is another fairly obvious one. When someone only ever has nice things to say to you, it’s obvious that they like you. Think about it; we only ever say good things about what appeals to us.

Compliments are often teamed up with teasing because it is a playful way of expressing interest without being forceful or cringe!

Being touchy-feely

When someone is sexually attracted to you, they will want to be close to you. The urge to want to touch you may take over too. Of course, it’s not about overstepping the mark and being inappropriate, but small, subtle touches such as little nudges or brushing past you gently can go some way towards signal attraction.

Eye contact

As the old saying goes, eyes are the window to the soul, and when someone is sexually attracted to you, they will literally want to be as involved with your soul as much as possible! The type of eye contact can vary depending on the person. It could be anything from regular quick glances through to a long, lingering and intense meeting of the eyes. A deep stare has the potential to move you more than any words ever could.

Body language and facial expressions

When our brain has decided something, we lose the ability to control certain aspects of our behaviour. Our body language and what we do with our faces will absolutely be impacted. When someone is sexually attracted to you, they’ll subconsciously mirror what you do and position themselves as open to you. This could be conveyed through the way they sit or stand – it will look and feel more welcoming. The same applies to facial expressions. In addition to the often uncontrollable amount of smiling and blushing, licking one’s lips or gently biting at their lip when talking to you can be expected.

Nervousness

Nervousness can come about when a person who finds you sexually attractive is trying to impress you. They may feel super self-aware and a bit more self-conscious than usual. Together with the yearning to connect, this can ultimately make them feel more anxious about doing and saying the right thing.

Attraction also triggers a physiological response in the body. Part of that includes the release of adrenaline. This can cause an individual’s heart rate to increase, and their palms can become sweaty. As a result, they may begin fidgeting or fiddling with something in an attempt to keep a lid on how awkward they may feel in the situation.

What sexually attracts you to somebody?

Being attracted to someone is a science! Every part of you gets involved, and all of your senses are engaged.

Sexual attraction triggers a plethora of physiological, psychological and emotional responses inside us. One such reaction is the brain being flooded with dopamine – a neurotransmitter that is released when we do things that feel good, our love hormones. This is what contributes to the feeling of excitement. But what actually attracts us to another? What we are drawn to varies from person to person. Some of the key factors include:

The physical

For the most part, what we see is usually what initially piques our interest. Everything is subconsciously considered: how a person presents themselves, the type of body they have, their facial features and even the way they dress! Our brain makes a rapid judgement on what we see and decides very quickly whether there is an attraction there or not.

Their scent

Being attracted to someone based on their scent is much more than enjoying a nice-smelling perfume or aftershave. It’s biological! We subconsciously tune into natural body odours. This unique essence is determined by our hygiene routine, the food we eat and even our genetics. We can absolutely be impacted by someone’s natural fragrance without even realising it. Call it animal instinct!

Similarly, pheromones, the chemical signals released by the body, can impact how attractive we are to someone. This unspoken biological impulse, together with our own personal preferences, plays a crucial part. For example, if one likes a particular fragrance, smelling it on another may increase how attractive they appear.

Smelling good is also indicative of an individual who takes their hygiene seriously. Cleanliness is attractive to most people as it’s an indicator of good self-care.

Personality

After the initial physical draw, most people need to have something else that keeps them locked into a person. This is usually an individual’s personality.

Humour, confidence and intelligence are just three traits that often get listed as characteristics likely to increase attraction. People like to feel good, so having someone who can make you laugh whilst holding an enjoyable conversation is likely to be a winner!

Emotional connection

Having an emotional connection with someone creates a good foundation for building a deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationship. An emotional bond enables a deeper understanding of one another, complete with empathy and compassion. It also facilitates better communication whilst building trust, allowing for vulnerability when it comes to intimacy. Being emotionally connected also encourages commitment.

All of the above fosters a much more fulfilling experience. This can enhance the initial physical attraction, creating a feeling of a much more rounded, meaningful and complete connection.

Having things in common

This is probably one of the most underrated factors that either trigger or further enhance our attraction to another. Having things in common means you share similar interests and/or values. This reinforces compatibility and creates a sense of familiarity and comfortability which facilitates being at ease in each other’s company. The more relaxed you feel, the more natural and enjoyable time spent together will be. Also, having shared interests means you actually spend quality time together doing the things you both enjoy.

When is it more than just sexual attraction?

When it’s all said and done, it’s important to remember that sexual attraction promotes sex. However, there may come a time when you question whether what you’re feeling is more than just attraction.

Attraction can indeed develop from lust into love. For some, being sexual lays the foundation for a potential relationship. It can be seen as a try-before-you-buy situation. Both love and lust can trigger very strong emotions. It can get very confusing, but identifying what you want the end goal to be helps make things easier. If it’s just sex that you want, then it’s likely you’re still experiencing pure sexual attraction… lust.

If you find yourself wanting to be in a relationship and imagining a life with this person, then you could be moving towards love if you’re not already there!

Being honest with yourself is always a good idea. Asking yourself a few key questions when trying to determine where you are at mentally could really help. Challenging yourself and getting to grips with what you are yearning for is crucial.

Are you happy just engaging in sex, or do you want a support system for sharing time and space with someone that you love?

Do you want to connect and get deeper with this person, or are you happy just having fun?

Always be real with yourself!

About the author

Sherryl is a London based content creator currently studying for a degree in Psychology. Sherryl loves words and the power they possess, the ability they have to conjure up every kind of situation and the amazing way they can make you feel....
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