Our relationships to porn and masturbation can be very personal and highly emotional. Although many people will enjoy bringing porn into their romantic and sexual relationships, others prefer to keep their viewing, listening, or reading habits private, enjoying adult material only when they are on their own, without sharing those things with a partner. Some people don’t enjoy porn at all. So what happens when you’re in a relationship where each person has a very different attitude towards porn? Is watching porn ‘cheating’ if your partner doesn’t like you doing it? Should couples have agreements about what kind of adult material is appropriate to enjoy while they’re together? Let’s tackle this question, along with some of the underlying things you might like to ask yourself if this is proving an issue in your relationship.
The benefits of masturbation
Let’s begin with a quick overview of the benefits of masturbation. Although there are some people who would prefer not to masturbate, it is a completely valid choice. The vast majority of us do enjoy solo sex, and for those who do, it can have many health benefits. Regular orgasms can help lower stress, improve your mood, and even improve your partnered sex life as you learn more about what brings your own body pleasure. For those with prostates, regular ejaculation during masturbation or other types of sex, can help to lower the risk of prostate cancer. Sometimes, an orgasm can help you sleep if you’re struggling to doze off or just give you a nice reward at the end of a hard day. It’s hard to find things in life that are genuinely fun, free and healthy, but masturbation is definitely one of them!
Some people believe that masturbation is, or should be, unnecessary within a relationship. The idea is that if you’re having regular sex you won’t need to masturbate. But in fact,this framing is false and can be quite harmful. Solo sex is not, and shouldn’t be, seen as a replacement for partnered sex. The health benefits of masturbation remain true even when you’re in a relationship, even if you’re having regular sex with your partner. It’s reasonable to have some boundaries with your partner about where and when they masturbate—perhaps not in the living room partway through movie night or not in the bed while you’re trying to sleep. However, it’s generally considered unreasonable to tell your partner that they can’t do what they want with their own body when alone.
What’s wrong with watching porn?
Just as masturbation should be understood as a very normal and healthy part of an adult’s sex life, it’s also important to note that many people struggle to get turned on or climax without any external stimulation. Whether erotic films, written stories or audio porn, different people look to different things in order to get off. Just as you might put on a comedy film if you need a laugh or turn to a weepy drama when you’re feeling down. So others turn to erotic material to help release pent-up sexual energy, de-stress, or just have a fun time when they have a spare evening. For many, porn is not just a fun addition to masturbation but a vital one.
Therefore is watching porn cheating?
Some people argue that watching porn is cheating: after all, your partner is looking at, and very likely masturbating to, people other than you. Shouldn’t all their sexual energy be reserved for you when you’re in a relationship? Perhaps the porn they watch features people who don’t look like you at all, doing things that you and your partner never do together. Do you have these worries? Do you think that watching porn is cheating? Let’s unpack what might sit beneath these concerns.
“I think it’s cheating when my partner watches porn”
There are many reasons why you might have this belief:
• Conservative upbringing which has told you that porn, and possibly masturbation, is ‘wrong’
• Discomfort at the type of porn your partner watches
• Feeling left out or unloved/not sexy
• Feeling insecure when you compare yourself to the people in the porn they watch
• A worry that you’re having less sex with them because they’re getting what they need from porn
• A belief that porn is harmful, degrading to women or addictive
Let’s tackle that last one first: although there is porn out there which is unethically produced, misogynist and actually harmful, there are many porn producers and sites like this one which are committed to ethical practices. That means not just paying performers fairly and treating them well on-set but presenting sex on screen in a healthy, consensual way. The idea that porn is ‘addictive’ is one that has proliferated mostly in the wake of mainstream porn tube sites, which use algorithms to keep users on site for as long as possible. Although the idea of ‘porn addiction’ is hotly debated, it’s fair to say that some of the practices used by unethical websites leave a lot to be desired. That’s why we often talk about ‘safe porn’ as well as ethical porn. A safe porn website will be up front about how they make their money and what they do so you can browse in confidence.
Laying aside concerns about porn as a whole, the other things listed above are all understandable reasons to be uncomfortable with your partner’s porn-viewing habits. However, it’s important to remember that what your partner does with their body in private is not up to you to control. A healthy boundary might involve saying that you don’t want to watch porn with them, but trying to control someone’s private viewing habits wanders into difficult territory. You wouldn’t tell your partner what TV shows to watch, after all. But is watching porn in this context actually ‘cheating’? Well…
What counts as cheating?
Ultimately, the answer to this question depends on the boundaries that you and your partner have discussed and agreed to. In some non-monogamous relationships, kissing or even having sex with someone else is not cheating as long as it falls within the established rules of that individual relationship. Some couples have rules around emotional cheating, whereby sending messages or flirting with people outside the relationship is seen on par with physical cheating like kissing, sex, etc. If you haven’t had these conversations with your partner, it is worth addressing them so that you both know where you stand and what the broad ground rules are for your relationship.
If you believe that watching porn is cheating, you might want to establish a rule with your partner that watching porn alone and/or masturbating counts as cheating, and therefore, neither of you will do it. However, this might not be a great idea. Establishing rules about how you and your partner behave and what you do with your bodies in private is not generally considered a healthy way to conduct a relationship.
There are ways to address the problems above without implementing rules like this though. For example, insecurities about the way you feel in comparison to the people in porn, and the amount of sex you’re having in your relationship, can be addressed by talking to your partner about your needs. If you’re worried that they’re watching porn instead of having sex with you, it’s reasonable to ask for more intimacy, and for your time together to be prioritised. If you’re feeling insecure and need reassurance, likewise, it’s reasonable and healthy to address this with your partner. Explain what you need, and ask them for more reassurance/compliments/quality time or whatever else might help you feel less left out or neglected.
Can porn negatively affect a relationship?
Porn can negatively affect a relationship, if you feel like your partner is spending so much time watching that they are neglecting you or your needs, or if your partner’s porn watching is starting to interfere with your relationship. For instance, if they want to watch porn every time you have sex, and you don’t, or if they are watching porn at times when you would otherwise be spending quality time together.
In these cases, chances are there is more to it than just the appeal of the films they’re watching. Much like if they were playing video games to the detriment of your quality time, it’s worth addressing why they are not focused on your relationship. Try not to blame the distraction itself, but ask yourself and them what sits beneath it. Are they stressed at work? Feeling left out? Struggling to connect?
If you are finding this challenging, you’re not alone—many people find it difficult to talk about these things, we’re not generally given a good education on how to do it. You’ll find plenty of sex tips, including communication tips, here on the site, but if things are still proving difficult, you might want to look into sex therapy. A sexual therapist can help guide you through discussions with your partner, explore things like your attitudes towards pornography, and find ways to connect and come back together.
Can porn benefit a relationship?
Yes! And in fact, if you do choose to seek sexual therapy, one of the tools your therapist might encourage is for you to try experiencing porn together. If you’re uncomfortable with video porn, maybe reading some erotica together or listening to audio porn. It can be a great way to explore your desires, especially if you’re struggling to articulate them. Porn can also be a good way to start conversations that may be tricky to initiate if you’re shy—sending a link to an erotic story via text is sometimes easier than sitting your partner down and opening up about a kink you’ve never discussed before.
Porn can also provide an outlet for people if there is a huge mismatch in libido in their relationship. For some, being able to regularly enjoy porn and masturbate is a vital part of maintaining a healthy romantic life with their partner. If one person only wants sex once per month but the other is keen on a near-daily hit of orgasmic bliss, then watching porn can be a great way for them to experience that without putting pressure on their partner to have sex more than they’re comfortable with. Some people choose to address a libido imbalance by opening up the relationship; others don’t want non-monogamy but feel like porn and masturbation scratches that itch instead.
Understanding porn within a relationship
As with so many sexual things, shame and silence get in the way of our understanding and having a healthy relationship with them. Perhaps none more so than porn. The messages we’re given about porn in the mainstream media often encourage us to view it as a threat—to society, to our relationships, to our body image and sense of self. But humans have always sought out erotic material, whether to enhance sex with their partners or as part of a healthy solo sex life. Enjoying porn ethically and safely is a common, healthy thing to do, and nobody deserves to be shamed for it. At the same time it’s important to recognise that these messages do have an impact, and so many people may be uncomfortable with porn. The key, always, is to discuss needs and expectations with your partner. Respect their right to enjoy a healthy solo sex life in private, and make it clear what your needs and boundaries are when it comes to your partnered sex life. And if you want to explore some porn that is safe, ethical and made with the primary goal of celebrating and uplifting women’s pleasure, then… well… you know where we are.
This is one of the most important and balanced articles I’ve ever read about the subject. I totally agree with Anna. That’s why I’m here! This is a must-read. This section resonates with me so much: “Porn can also provide an outlet for people if there is a huge mismatch in libido in their relationship. For some, being able to regularly enjoy porn and masturbate is a vital part of maintaining a healthy romantic life with their partner.” Very, very true. Please keep doing what you do, Anna. It’s incredibly important and incredibly good. You are quite simply the best and FrolicMe is absolutely amazing, If you had a fan club I’d sign up . Thank you.